Unwavering Defense. Sound ultimate, strong, final. How could you lose something like that? Doesn’t seem possible, and yet it happened.
In this post I will be talking about suicide, and more specifically, the impacts one boy’s suicide had on me. Some readers may find this distressing, please do not read this if you feel it will put you at risk.
Last summer a boy I had known in elementary committed suicide. I was not ignorant surrounding this topic--not in the slightest--but never had I known a person whose suicide attempts were successful. With no deaths of people I’ve had to deal with before I was expected grief to hit me like a tsunami; unexpected and crushing. No. My reaction was far slower and more consistent, barely a reaction at all.
“Oh.”
That was it. No sobbing in the shower when I thought no one could hear. No days where I couldn’t even face dragging myself out of bed. I accepted the news like I had just heard something that was mildly inconvenient but little more than that. Trying to rationalise my lack of emotion I played it down to knowing that I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in years; he wasn’t close enough for me to think about and so I assumed that’s why I hadn’t felt much.
It was in the coming weeks and months that I let it play further on my thoughts, I had slowly been gathering more information about this very hush-hush tragedy. The more knowledge I had, the more I thought about it. I even, at a low point, found myself on his facebook page; looking at more recent photos of him and wondering. I had always been cursed with overthinking but this was different, I asked myself the dangerous “what if” questions that were inevitable in situations like these. What if he hadn’t done it? What if he waited and circumstances got better? What if he was still alive?
Painfully, I knew myself too well to claim that I would have contacted him without this too-little-too-late reminder. I wasn’t holding guilt as such, simply wishing things had turned out differently for him. I knew him not too well in recent years but well enough as a child to speak of his character; kind, warm and fun. Thinking about him more, I recall times I joined in on the boys’ games as a child and they would never reject me like the girls did. He was one of those boys.
His death brought me more questions about myself than about him. I thought about my own mental state, and that of my friends and I thought about my childhood. Childhood was the obvious one since it was when I knew him, but the ways it was coming back to me were unexpected and more telling of my character than I would like to admit. I was not nice person as a child and, as much as I used to defend that, I accept it now. There are many--valid--excuses I could throw up to justify my character and behaviour but I don’t want to hide behind those things because then they will own me. And I can’t have that.
In the recent months I’ve learned to accept these darker parts of my past because I may hate them but they are part of me and my story. I am not edited for tv, nor will I allow myself to be. And so I looked at my actions and thought about the people they affected, most of those people I still know now and there was one boy in particular who stuck in my mind. He never did a thing to me--except engage in a physical fight I started--but I sure did plenty to him. Nothing huge; kicking the back of his legs as he got off the bus and giving him the finger, and so I asked myself why I did those things. The answer was simple; the other girls did it and bullying that boy with them was the only time they weren’t bullying me. Sounds like another perfect sob story on my part but I refused to take it that way. I mulled over those actions and asked myself how much of a painful lasting effect they could have had on the boy. For something so insignificant I knew it could have had catastrophic consequences.
I reached out to a close friend who had known me and everyone else mentioned above during elementary and told her how bad I was feeling about what I did. I could not stop thinking about it. So, I eventually mustered up the courage to send him an apologetic message without any explanation, we talked it over and I expressed how terrible it was of me to do those things. Thankfully, I still knew this guy well enough now to know he was the more fun-loving and confident types and he confessed that he didn’t care about what had happened at all. I had suspected that was true but I was relieved to hear it from him. That made me feel so much better, like I could stop looking back because I had resolved the only real damage I could have caused someone else back then.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that I gained more from the death of a childhood peer than I had ever expected to. By being confronted by the realities of a death by suicide I was able to face and think about the mental health of those closest to me and I faced up to a part of my life I had fought to forget for years. Perhaps all I needed was a prompt to push me towards these things, I certainly got it. By no means am I saying that the suicide of this young boy was a good thing, it was tragic beyond words and I wish that it had never happened. I’ve dealt with the suicidal thoughts of other for a long time and I know how hellishly dark it can be, I would never blame anyone for wanting to end all their pain but the harsh reality is that they aren’t just losing their pain; they are losing any opportunity for happiness to come back into their lives. Suicide is a truly horrible thing and it’s simply heartbreaking to think that anyone--let alone the people close to us--are contemplating or even attempting to end their life.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please do not act upon them. Reach out for help; from a professional, a family member, a friend, anyone you trust. Things get better, I swear they do, but nothing can ever get better if you stop it before it gets the chance. And whoever you are, there is someone out there who cares about you, even if you can’t see it right now. You are not alone.
Suicide is a tragedy, don’t let it happen to yourself or your loved ones.
Samaritans Suicide Helpline UK: 116 123
National Suicide Prevention Line USA: 1-888-628-9454